Sunday, 16 October 2016

The First Post

So, I'm sitting here at 7:31pm unable to breathe. My heart is racing and I'm hot and cold all at once. I possess anxiety. It wasn't until recently that I actually realised what it was. I thought it was just happening to me, when actually there were people surrounding my presence feeling the same thing. It is scary and painful and exhausting all at once. I want to share my experiences, even if it's only me reading them. 

It began 4 years ago. I left the house, got into the car, began to drive off, then I started to feel strange. My stomach tightened and felt like nothing I had felt before, my heart rate sped up exponentially, my palms became clammy but my body was cold. I put my hand out of the window and it helped; that's my key to car survival. The cool air decreased my heart rate and while my mind was still racing, it was settling slowly. I thought it was a one off, a fluke experience. This was until it happened again and again up until this second. This is as far back as I can encounter in my mind, but surely there has to be a trigger somewhere in my past.

As a 16 year old, I want to live my life to fullest and not be house bound but unfortunately that's where I'm at. It isn't pleasing to me and it certainly isn't wanted but yet it continues to sit with me. Numerous people have asked me, "where are you?" or "why are you so boring?",  to which I always answer "I'm ill." The fact is I would rather be going out shopping or going to that party but I simply can't and a very select few on this earth actually understand. Even if I were to explain every detail, every ounce of my issues to someone, they would only be able to imagine how it is to live with severe anxiety. They wouldn't understand it, not like I do. Now, this isn't to say I'm the only person dealing with anxiety, but I am the only person inside my head. 

I, personally, don't like to talk about it or even bring it up and will ignore most, if not all, the questions I receive. It is personal and emotional to talk about so I just don't until now. I wish I could express my feelings to people but I can't and I believe this is part of my problem. I have luckily found someone who I can vent to, maybe the only person on this planet I trust. That has helped me a great deal. If I am ever out and have an episode, I will text her until it stops or at least until it calms down. This has helped for when I need to empty my head. When the world around me is racing, this one person I still and is the voice of reason. She tells me there isn't anything to be anxious about. 

Whenever someone says "it's all in your head," it really offends me. Because, yes, technically, it is all coming from my head but I'm not making it up. My college have asked me to leave because I was unable to attend lessons through sheer panic. They made it seem like it was my fault I couldn't go, when actually it wasn't at all. I wanted to be there but how can a person learn when they are struggle to function, to breathe, to think. 

Now 40 minutes later, it has almost stopped. The force of your body going into 'fight or flight' mode is exhausting. The adrenaline that fuelled the fire has gone, leaving a shell of a person, my shell. I know this has been all over the place, but that's just how my head space has been. This is me being honest for the sake of my own mentality. I know that it is going to continue to happen and I am aware that all I can do is ride the wave. This is going to be my account of anxiety, maybe it'll only be me who reads it, maybe a few others will too. This is going to be my therapy and possibly my end of anxiety ridden life. 

xox

2 comments:

  1. Hii! I can totally relate to this a hundred percent. I, myself, deal with anxiety and it's so tough. My anxiety triggers up when I'm in crowded places or speaking in public. I've had it since I was a kid. Always felt uncomfortable around people and I didn't have a way of expressing myself until I have decided to make my blog.
    I really liked what you said and it's so hard to come out of your hole and talk to somebody about it. You should know that there are people around to help. Things just sounds so much crazier in our heads. These questions that swirls around. Asking ourselves, "What if they don't understand?" or "What if they laugh and think I'm just crazy?"
    Trust me, I've feel like that too.
    If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I know I'm just another stranger behind the screen but I really like to help others. Just know that you're not suffering alone. :)
    Much love,
    Salina.

    http://thelifeofsalina.com/

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